Motions

I have a lot on my mind. I keep trying to push my troubles aside, but - I can’t. Sometimes are easier than others. Some days I’m stronger, and some days everything I’ve been trying to keep locked up inside finds its’ way to the surface.

Being strong gets tiring. I feel like I should cry – I want to, but I think I’ve exhausted my tear-ducts. I find myself staring off into space, my mind wandering in a million different directions, and the pain comes flooding back. And as quickly as it hits, I feel myself again burying it as far back into the recesses of my mind as I can.

I know I should let my emotions flow, but I’m so tired of hurting. I don’t even know why it still does … Maybe …  I keep telling myself that everything will get better, and truthfully – I know it will. I just wish I could … forget. Everything … I’m so tired of this hurt. I can’t stand the loneliness.

GOD, this hurts so bad and I don’t know how to make it better.

I’m terrified … that’s my truth. I’m terrified. There are so many people who put so much into me. I carry with me the weight of a dream I’ve dreamt all my life and the hopes, dreams, and expectations of those who love me. After twenty-five years I chose to completely uproot myself from everything I know to move across the country to pursue my destiny.

I feel so silly. I feel … stupid. I have so much to be thankful for. Health, love of family, and REAL friends – yet, I still feel so alone. Though, for a brief and fleeting moment in my life I wasn’t, even if I now know that it wasn’t real. It was a dream, an illusion … a cruel (though ‘unintentionally’ cruel) joke that I was the butt of, and everyone was in on it but me.

There is so much built up inside of me, so much I haven’t said … some I can’t and probably never will.  I just wish I could get beyond this. I wish I could erase the last six years, burn those chapters, rip those pages out of my life … I know I’m writing out of emotion, and maybe I don’t really mean it deep down, but … I feel used. And right now, I just want to move on – even if that means erasing the best chapter of my life.

GOD, please forgive me ………………