Getting Nervous

So this is my first post and I was wondering, what I should write about? My sister has just started a major journey and I feel much less stable then I did coming out of high school. Back then, I knew I wanted to become an actress, I wanted to perform and sing and dance, but now nerves are catching up to me and I find myself relegating myself to work behind the scenes. There's nothing wrong with that of course, but even that has me nervous. 

Anept-het

As I count down the days until, the end of the week, the end of the month, the end of the semester, the end of the school year, the end of my college career (I'm praying it is!) people keep asking me, what exactly do you want to do with a degree in film in Washington DC? It's a good question, and I answer, "I would like to start off getting a job with a small production company if I could. Anything will do, I'd learn on the job". But the farther I get, the more I realize I don't know, and I wonder if I have the drive it takes to keep up with this fast paced industry. I keep feeling the longing to travel and have kids poking at me and I have to keep reminding myself, can't do that yet... and it makes me nervous. The film program at my school is SO broad, I don't know if I want to become a writer or a director, or a cinematographer, or a producer or what. I love to create stories, but am I capable of simply selling a script I spent years on and walk away? I feel like I'm too indecisive to become a director. Where do I go from here? I'm getting nervous...

Generally, my posts to this blog will focus on me as an aspiring filmmaker. What I've been learning and what I'm working on. What I do well and what I need to work on. Film related stuff. Also, random things that peek my interest, like whatever else I learn in this school till I finally get my diploma and say LATER BITCHEZ to these people. 


Posted by Anept-het

New Beginnings

Today marks the first official launch of the Anubis Angel Blog. Today also marks the one week anniversary of my move to Los Angeles. So, what do I think of it so far? Well, the weather is amazing; they say it never rains in Southern California, and I suppose that may be true. However, just because I'm not wet, doesn't mean I haven't been through the storm. In fact, I'm still in the eye of it, though it didn't start when I landed.

Nearly the last two months have been the most trying of my life so far. I honestly think I've cried more since turning twenty five than I have in the twenty four years that came before it. I have always prided myself on being a strong person, a good daughter, sister, and friend, but in the days and weeks leading up to my move I was faced with daily revelations about myself and the people I held most dear. Revelations that would question everything: even my own self worth, my reason for being.

The poems that proceeded this post were written in an attempt to express and let go of what I was feeling in the moment. But even I, the writerist that I am, can't numb the pain of rejection with mere words, nor can I pretend to be ok when my heart is aching, when I am overcome with fear and anxiety and the only shoulder I have is 3000 miles in the opposite direction. Words mean nothing without action, though they hold tremendous weight.

You can speak things into existence: success, failure, happiness, misery .... love. Something I though I had only to find out when I needed it most, that I never did. The fear at twenty five years old - that I never will. I allowed words to give me a sense of security I never had, and chose to ignore the lack of any action that came with them. I manipulate words for a living, they are powerful, they can give life and take life, but they mean nothing without action.

Anubian

I came to California not because I was trying to get away from something, nor did I come in search of anything in particular. I came here to succeed, and though I am under no delusions as to the the trials and tribulations that lay ahead, I understand that they are all apart of the journey. I had hoped to shared this path with the one I loved, but alas, life doesn't always work out as we had hoped. If I am meant to travel this road alone, I will.

Greatness awaits me, that much I know. Heartbreak is inevitable and failure is apart of life, but I have learned  a valuable lesson in these past few weeks. Tears can make you stronger. They've certainly made me stronger. My strength is not defined by how many hits I can take without flinching, but how hard I hit back. And trust, I will be doing a lot more hitting. There is a whole world out there waiting for me. They've been waiting since the announcement of my birth twenty five years ago; a proclamation that was heard all throughout the tri-state area. There is a reason I was placed on this Earth, there is a reason I'm still here, a little bruised but still standing - the time has come to fulfill my destiny. My journey to this place is personal, it is the next chapter of my story. This my fresh start. My new beginning. It is time to truly put words into action - pen to page, page to stage.

Moving On ....

I've come to a crossroads in my life ... Shit happens, life hurts, but you can let it consume you or learn from it and move on. I'm moving on ....

                       TWENTY FIVE

This photo does not belong to me. It is the sole property of its creator.

25 years have come to pass, my life is like this shattered glass.

So many pieces, I feel so broken. So many words I've left unspoken.

I give my all - time and again; but apparently I’m just the ‘FRIEND’.

I'm sick to death of all of it, I’m sick feeling used.

I’m sick of people not understanding that strong girls have feelings too.

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired.

I'm sick and tired of the loneliness and worrying about tomorrow. 

Don’t shower me with compliments, I’ve heard them all before.

Don’t treat me like a piece of crap, then tell me I’m worth more.

Don’t tell me that you love me or allude to it in vein.

Don’t act as if we never happened, like shit is still the same.

25 years have come to pass, my life is like this shattered glass.

So many pieces, I feel so broken. So many words I’ve left unspoken.

I toss and turn, my heart is pounding, fighting back tears to keep from drowning.

I shut my eyes and I hold my breath, I even try to pray.

But my mind is wracked, my body numb, God make it go away …

I finally thought I’d found it, but what I couldn’t see

Is the dream that I was chasing, was never meant for me.

I was reaching for a star, I was searching for my place

I blinked for just a second and the Earth beneath gave way.

It wasn’t real, it never was, my heart is aching and all because

I needed something, I wanted more, I yearned for something I didn’t have before.

So fuck the crying, to hell with fear, I’m sick of drowning in my tears.

No more second, I come first, no more justifying - my own goddamn worth.

25 years have come to pass, my life is like this shattered glass.

So many pieces, I feel so broken. So many words remain unspoken.

ANGEL

Let me start off by saying that I am not a religious individual by any means, but I am deeply and profoundly spiritual. My spirituality is what drives me, and it is for that reason that I felt this little poem would be an appropriate way to start things off. It was born, like most of my work, out of emotion. These past few weeks have been particularly trying for me. It's funny the way life goes, how quickly things change, for better or for worse. It is in these times, usually when we at our lowest that we can also be at our best. Our true character shines through: Will you learn to swim? Or will you drown? Do you sit on the deck too afraid to jump back in? Or do you take a leap of faith ... and Swim. 

I am a swimmer, though I nearly forgot that. But even the strongest and most fearless among us forget who we are. But, that's ok, because weakness doesn't make you any less of a strong person; what it makes you is human. Or as I like to say "God's perfect imperfection" ... and now, my little poem ...

Divine: This photo does not belong to me. It is the sole property
of its' creator.

ANGEL

  

Don’t sell yourself short, you deserve much more

You’re a Brown-skinned Angel, in a world at war ….

For modesty sake, for shame you hide

Behind your strength, behind your pride.

And though you fight to mask the pain

To keep it all inside

Those tears burn salt rivers, no matter how you’ve tried.

I know it’s hard to see the light when you can’t open your eyes.

It’s hard to be forgiving when you’re weeding through the lies.

And though at times it’s hard

And there seems to be no end,

Just close your eyes and look within, for there you have a friend.

Seek comfort in this truth,

Your worth so much more.

You’re God’s precious Brown-skinned Angel,

And the world He gave is yours.


Posted by Anubian